​Sadness.
Frustration.
Anger.
 
These are just a few of the feelings that I’m noticing show up for me today.  I’d spent some time reading about gender variant kids and then saw coverage of the current president’s tweets about banning transgender people from the military.  While many in our society have embraced greater transgender visibility, these attacks by our country’s leader are unnecessarily cruel and damaging.  What a disconnect.  Two poles so far apart.
 
I take great satisfaction in my work with transgender and gender non-conforming clients of diverse backgrounds, ages, ethnicities and races.  I engage with a strong community of other clinicians, physicians, professionals, educators, spouses, parents of varied gender identifications who are allied in support of transgender and other gender diverse people.  In sitting for several hours a week with those who are navigating gender variance, I have the honor of seeing and hearing the struggles, the doubts, the fears…along with the triumphs and the joys of embracing authenticity.  Let me add to my list of feelings above:
 
Hope and trust in human nature and our capacity for love and empathy.
 
If you’re curious about learning more, and in supporting the transgender community, add your name to the ACLU petition here:  https://www.aclu.org/blog/speak-freely/three-tweets-president-trump-cruelly-threatens-trans-service-members-rank
 
The New Yorker’s David Remnick writes about the tweets here:  http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-cruelty-and-cynicism-of-trumps-transgender-military-ban
 
 
 
 

Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

Here are some ideas on how to cultivate flexibility and your ability to bounce back.

8 Tips from the APA on Building Resilience:

1. Make connections
2. Accept change as a part of life
3. Move towards your goals
4. Take decisive action
5. Look for opportunities for self-discovery
6. Nurture a positive view of yourself
7. Keep things in perspective
8. Maintain a hopeful outlook

Do you have any others that you'd add?

I recently finished Meghan Daum's compelling book of essays, The Unspeakable.  She writes poignantly about her life and observations.  Her essay "The Dog Exception" was, well, no exception.  A particular paragraph stuck with me and I wanted to share it, as I come across this sentiment often when counseling a client grieving a pet.  Sometimes, there's a disowning of the grief, a fear that others may minimize the pain since "it was only a dog (a cat, a hamster, a bird...)."  I find Meghan Daum's words to hold validation for those who have suffered a similar loss and permission to grieve wholeheartedly.

On losing her dog Rex, she writes:

Have you ever felt this way at the loss of a beloved pet?  I'd love to hear your thoughts and whether or not this resonated with you.  

I just listened to this segment on Ira Glass' fantastic program, This American Life.  It offers an alternative to frustrating patterns of communication with our loved ones with Alzheimer's...patterns that often result in power struggles and, frankly, just don't work for anyone involved.  Scratch the old way, and consider using humor, creativity, and  an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude for greater connection.

At the end of Elyn Saks' courageous and fascinating memoir about her struggles with schizophrenia, she reflects on what it was that helped support her along the way.  I can hardly think of a better description of how the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client can be so transformational, and I wanted to share her words with you.

"Medication has no doubt played a central role in helping me manage my psychosis, but what has allowed me to see the meaning in my struggles - to make sense of everything that happened before and during the course of my illness, and to mobilize what strengths I may possess into a rich and productive life - is talk therapy.  People like me with a thought disorder are not supposed to benefit much from this kind of treatment, a talk therapy oriented toward insight and based upon a relationship.  But I have.  There may be a substitute for the human connection - for two people sitting together in a room, one of them with the freedom to speak her mind, knowing the other is paying careful and thoughtful attention - but I don't know what that substitute might be.  It is, at the heart of things, a relationship, and for me it has been the key to every other relationship I hold precious."
 
                         ~ Elyn R. Saks, "The Center Cannot Hold"

When it comes to social advocacy for my transgender clients, I can get to feeling powerless to affect much change on a big scale.  Although there is greater awareness in popular media about trans folk, there’s still a vast amount of work to be done.  Some of my transgender clients talk about being on the receiving end of discrimination, job loss, others’ ignorance and spite, and worse.  I feel that it’s my job as a therapist not only to help all of my clients acknowledge feelings and find solutions to better cope with issues in their lives, but to be, in my small way, an agent of affirmative change. 

This brings me to the “one little step:” shining a light on how gender-binary most everyday forms are.  Have you ever noticed (if you’re trans, you probably have!) that when you go to fill out a new intake form at a doctor’s office, counseling center, even a gym class, you’ll be asked to check a box to identify your gender.  Male or female.  Those are your two choices.  But what do you do when you don’t identify neatly into one of these two rigid boxes?  What if your internal sense of your gender doesn’t match the sex assigned to you at birth?  What if you perceive gender as much more fluid a concept and don’t find yourself on either far end of the spectrum?  In a 2011 survey of over 1000 transgender people, Forge (forge-forward.org) found that having trans-friendly intake forms was “extremely or very important” factor to 59% of respondents in whether or not to seek services at an anti-violence agency.  This factor was second only to the reputation of the agency.  This data indicates that gender-binary forms may not be so “little” a thing to people who identify as transgender or genderqueer, their allies and loved ones.

With this in mind, I’ve taken the opportunity to advocate whenever I’m asked to fill out a form and I see only those two boxes for male or female.  Instead of mindlessly checking “female” as I had done in the past, I check neither and write something along these lines on the form:  “This gender-binary form excludes those who identify as gender non-conforming and transgender.  Please consider changing it to a more inclusive model.”  Often, the comments go unnoticed or unmentioned (at least in front of me).  However, there are times when they spark a discussion, like when my opthalmologist asked me about my comments and I had the opportunity to explain gender diversity in more detail.

Okay, I realize that this only scratches the surface of the issues that our society faces when it comes to embracing gender diversity.  But, this is one little thing that I do, and if you like the idea, you can do it, too.

Here's another link to an article published on the Personal Development Cafe site.  Take a look at #7 to see my contribution: Check in with yourself.  How Not To Lose Yourself in a Relationship.

"The devil's a liar!  Don't listen to him!  There are angels all around you!"

No, these weren't the words belted out across the pews at a church on a Sunday morning.  This was inspiration found in a weekday funk dance class.

I'd decided to try an intriguing new class, CardioFunk, offered at my local gym.  Scanning the others in the studio, it was clear that I wasn't going to be the only one relatively new to this style.  There's something about dancing that can bring out insecurities and self-consciousness, making an otherwise capable adult feel as vulnerable as a gangly teen at a school formal. 

Luckily, the instructor was onto us.  Milo had enough experience teaching hip hop to suburbanites to know that we just might be feeling, well, a touch un-cool.  That's when he started with the verbal support.

"Don't listen to that voice that's bringing you down.  That's the devil and he's a liar! Let loose and dance like you're alone at home."

Milo's words were enthusiastic enough to override the negative thoughts that were threatening to derail our fun.  His message was clear: the more you just go for it, the more confident you'll look and feel.  I often use cognitive behavioral therapy techniques in my counseling work.  I know how powerful our thoughts can be in affecting our feelings.  Who knew I'd be reminded of a principle of psychology in my morning gym class?  Thank you, Milo, for guiding us out of our heads and onto the dance floor.

Being a caregiver can be a difficult job, both physically and emotionally.  Caring for a loved one in your home or nearby has many challenges.  But what if your loved one is in another town, state, or country?  Long-distance caregivers face different obstacles that complicate caregiving.  Shiffy Crane, a well-respected Geriatric Care Manager in Orange County, CA, talked on this subject in February of this year.  I was delighted to be part of the audience at the Senior Care Professionals breakfast sponsored in part by the Alzheimer's Association and Atria Golden Creek and to have the opportunity to hear her tips.  Here are three ideas that I want pass along:

• Enlist the help of local resources.  Be it a friendly neighbor, a professional caregiver, or a distant relative, another set of eyes and ears checking in on your loved one will give you more information and peace of mind.

• Remember your own balance.  Though you may be concerned with your loved one, you have the right to live your own life and to take care of your needs, too.

• Make time for fun.  When you visit your loved one,it's easy to switch into "caregiver mode" and get busy with tasks.  While this is important, it's also crucial to allot "quality time" to reconnect with your loved one.

Much appreciation to Shiffy Crane for her tireless efforts in educating the Orange County community on elder care issues.  For more information about Shiffy, visit her website at www.elder-care-manager.com.