I've been really enjoying Sarah Manguso's spare and concise writing lately, and have read three of her non-fiction books.  "Two Kinds of Decay" is a memoir about managing the physical and emotional toll of her chronic illness.  In "The Guardians, an Elegy for a Friend," she writes of a dear friend's death by suicide.  Her latest book is a deconstructed memoir, scattered thoughts and moments taken from her personal diaries.  Here's one passage that was of particular interest to me:

"Marriage isn't a fixed experience. It's a continuous one. It changes form but is still always there, a rivulet under a frozen stream. Now, when I feel a break in the continuity of 'till death do us part,' I think to myself, 'Get back in the river.'"     
       ~ Sarah Manguso in Ongoingness, The End of a Diary

Certainly not the perspective that popular culture, fairy tales, and romance novels present.  Sarah Manguso takes us beyond the one-time vow of "I do" and reminds us that in marriage, the "I do" is a daily mindful decision.  What are your thoughts on marriage and other committed relationships?

Here's another link to an article published on the Personal Development Cafe site.  Take a look at #7 to see my contribution: Check in with yourself.  How Not To Lose Yourself in a Relationship.

As an adult child of an aging parent, you know how tricky it can be to have those sensitive conversations with your loved one.  Come join me on Tuesday, August 27th, from 5:30-6:30pm, for an engaging discussion how to approach the "top four" toughest subjects with your parents.

This free presentation will be held at the beautiful Atria Golden Creek community, 33 Creek Road, Irvine, CA 92604.  Please share the news with others!

Being a caregiver can be a difficult job, both physically and emotionally.  Caring for a loved one in your home or nearby has many challenges.  But what if your loved one is in another town, state, or country?  Long-distance caregivers face different obstacles that complicate caregiving.  Shiffy Crane, a well-respected Geriatric Care Manager in Orange County, CA, talked on this subject in February of this year.  I was delighted to be part of the audience at the Senior Care Professionals breakfast sponsored in part by the Alzheimer's Association and Atria Golden Creek and to have the opportunity to hear her tips.  Here are three ideas that I want pass along:

• Enlist the help of local resources.  Be it a friendly neighbor, a professional caregiver, or a distant relative, another set of eyes and ears checking in on your loved one will give you more information and peace of mind.

• Remember your own balance.  Though you may be concerned with your loved one, you have the right to live your own life and to take care of your needs, too.

• Make time for fun.  When you visit your loved one,it's easy to switch into "caregiver mode" and get busy with tasks.  While this is important, it's also crucial to allot "quality time" to reconnect with your loved one.

Much appreciation to Shiffy Crane for her tireless efforts in educating the Orange County community on elder care issues.  For more information about Shiffy, visit her website at www.elder-care-manager.com.

Our lives get busy and, before we know it, we're already turning the corner to a new year.  The winter season is a good reminder to slow down, reflect, and take a moment to appreciate that which has meaning in our lives.  The new year is also a time of renewed hope, providing us with motivation to recommit to our goals.  Mindfulness, or, being fully present in the moment, is a way to savor the experiences that define our lives.  In this festive season, I hope you take the opportunity to feel and express gratitude for where you've been, where you're going, and for those who have shared joyfully in your journey.

Wishing you a beautiful new year,

Marnee

Have you been wanting to come to couples counseling for months, even years, but haven’t yet made the appointment?  If so, you are not alone.  Many couples try to work out their problems on their own, often resulting in painful arguments and frustrating stalemates.   Other couples take what seems like the path of least resistance: ignoring their problems and living like strangers under the same roof.  This “blinders on” approach may reduce conflict initially, but underneath the surface, tensions are mounting.  So, what is stopping some of these once-happy couples from seeking help with their relationship?  Worrying about being labeled “the bad partner” can be a barrier.

No one wants to feel shamed.  And why should they?  If a member of a couple is afraid of being singled out as solely responsible for the conflict, of course they would be resistant to counseling.  Let’s acknowledge that couples are a system.  Even if the presenting issue is infidelity, for example, it did not occur in a vacuum.  This does not mean that breaking the agreed-to relationship rules is okay, or that the non-adulterous partner is to blame.  What it does mean, however, is that the couples session is a blame-free zone, and a place to focus on how to strengthen the relationship.  Ideally, the therapist creates a safe space for the couple to share their feelings with each other, exploring together what went awry, how and if trust can be re-established, and ways to eventually move forward.  Judgment (on the part of the therapist) has no place in couples counseling.  No sides are taken.  The spotlight shines on how to improve communication and the dynamics of the relationship.

If worry over being labeled “the problem one” in a relationship has been keeping you from seeking help, don’t allow it to be a barrier any longer.  Asking for support in improving your relationship skills takes courage and shows your commitment to making things between the two of you even better.  Call me at 949-648-7991 to schedule an appointment now and get started on getting back that strong connection with your partner.

What comes to mind when you think about parents and kids sitting down for a difficult conversation?  Most people might envision parents having a heart-to-heart with their teen about the birds and the bees or substance abuse.  But what if the kids are in their 30s, 40s, or 50s, and the topics they want to discuss include whether or not mom should turn over the keys to the car for good or what happens if dad has a stroke and needs long term care?

Family dynamics and communication styles play a large role in how these talks will proceed.  If lines of communication were never transparent in a family, it’s likely that approaching an aging parent will be more challenging. Moving, money, health, and driving are commonly the trickiest topics to discuss with older adults (D’Aprix, 2010).  This is due to the fact that, often, the parent is concerned about losing autonomy and shifting into a more dependent role.  For decades, they’ve been the ones in charge of their own finances, home, and lifestyle, and often see no reason to cede control to their children.  Adult children, however, may be worried about their parents’ safety and wellbeing, yet be uncomfortable transitioning to a caregiving role.

While broaching the tough topics with aging parents may be challenging, there are some methods that can help.  Talking to parents before a health setback or other crisis occurs is paramount.  Choose a calm, quiet, appropriate time and place to start a dialogue, and gauge if both you and your parent is in a relaxed mindset to have a discussion.  These talks don’t have to be drawn out; twenty minutes is fine.  Be sure to continue to keep talking at regular intervals.  To avoid a power struggle, make the goal of the talks clear: maximizing the independence of the aging parent (Edmonds, 2012).  The safer, healthier, and more financially organized the parent is, the longer the parent will be able to maintain the maximum autonomy.  You, as the adult child, are there to assist and support this goal as long as safely feasible.

References:

D’Aprix, A. (2010, November 17). Challenges of                  communication between older adults   [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com            /watch?v=b1sLvrTlaUo

Edmonds, D.S. (2006-2012).  Talk to elderly parents about the future.  Retrieved July 25, 2012, from http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/talk-to-elderly.html

It’s that time of year again.  Graduation time.  The greeting card section at your local drugstore is overflowing with ways to express congratulations to that soon-to-be graduate.  But this year it’s different.  This year, it’s your child that’s the one going out in the world, flying the coop, embarking on a new path.

It’s a hopeful time, a time of new beginnings.  So, amidst this joy, why is there a nagging sense of sadness?  Isn’t this the natural order of things?  Shouldn’t we be happy to see our children grow and leave home to start their own lives? 

If this ambivalence sounds familiar, don’t worry.  It’s natural to feel conflicted.  On one hand, you’re proud of having successfully shepherded this young adult to become the person they are.  But their impending departure means that things are changing.  Your role as a parent is shifting.  What this signals is an adjustment in the way you see your relationship, not only with your child, but also with yourself.  It’s not uncommon for parents to use the term “grieving” to describe how it feels when their child moves out.

Here are seven tips to help cope with the empty nest transition:

1.  Ask yourself: “How much of my identity revolves around being a parent?”  Follow that up with the question: “What are some parts of myself that are independent from my being a parent?”  Writing down your answers in a journal can help you sift through difficult emotions and aid in self-exploration.

3.  Be patient with yourself.  Life transitions take time.  Acknowledge and validate your feelings.  Since the “launch” of a child into adulthood is the expected course, some friends may not empathize with your complex feelings.  Seek out others who have been in this situation and understand what you’re going through.

4.  Take stock of the context of this transition.  Are there any other big changes in your life that are happening now?  Menopause?  Retirement?  Aging parents that are requiring your attention?  Additional losses can compound our already raw feelings and lead us to feel overwhelmed.

5.  Set achievable goals and create a plan of action.  What did you always promise yourself you’d do once the kids were out of the house?  Dust off those dreams and take small steps towards achieving them.

6.  Hold off on making any big decisions.  Now may not be the time to spontaneously quit your job or sell the house on a whim.  Wait until you are on a more even keel to decide on whether or not to make big shifts.

6.  If you are married or have a partner, redefine your relationship with your significant other.  Can you allow yourself to imagine that this might be the most fulfilling time yet?  Share your feelings with your partner, and, together, create a vision of how you two can focus on enhancing your relationship.

7.  If you feel overwhelmed and would benefit from some additional support, consider counseling.  While this may be a time of jumbled emotion, there is hope that you’ll make it through this transition and even thrive.

About Marnee:

Marnee Reiley is a Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern (IMF 61489) who brings empathy, humor, and warmth to her collaborative work with couples and individual therapy clients in Orange County. Marnee is certified in Grief and Bereavement Counseling and is honored to support clients through times of adjustment to change and life transitions. Marnee can be reached at 949-222-6681 or YourOCTherapist@gmail.com and followed on Twitter at @YourOCTherapist. For more information, please visit YourOCTherapist.com. Supervised at Journey Coaching and Counseling Services by Dr. Paul True, MFC 42710.