Marnee Reiley, M.A., LMFT          Counseling in Irvine, Orange County, CA
949-648-7991
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TV's Dismal Vision of Marriage Counseling

10/24/2016

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The emotional equivalent of the experience of marriage counseling in HBO's "Divorce." Not too inviting, huh?
Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  
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Staying in the flow of marriage

5/28/2015

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I've been really enjoying Sarah Manguso's spare and concise writing lately, and have read three of her non-fiction books.  "Two Kinds of Decay" is a memoir about managing the physical and emotional toll of her chronic illness.  In "The Guardians, an Elegy for a Friend," she writes of a dear friend's death by suicide.  Her latest book is a deconstructed memoir, scattered thoughts and moments taken from her personal diaries.  Here's one passage that was of particular interest to me:

"Marriage isn't a fixed experience. It's a continuous one. It changes form but is still always there, a rivulet under a frozen stream. Now, when I feel a break in the continuity of 'till death do us part,' I think to myself, 'Get back in the river.'"     
       ~ Sarah Manguso in Ongoingness, The End of a Diary

Certainly not the perspective that popular culture, fairy tales, and romance novels present.  Sarah Manguso takes us beyond the one-time vow of "I do" and reminds us that in marriage, the "I do" is a daily mindful decision.  What are your thoughts on marriage and other committed relationships?
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Recent posts on relationships

12/31/2013

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I've recently been contacted by DecodingHim.com to add my voice on certain subjects regarding relationships.  Feel free to take a look if the following topics interest you!

How To Break Up Gracefully
Hint: Check out #5!

How To Overcome the Fear of Abandonment
Hint: Check out #7!
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Marriage: Fighting Fair

11/26/2012

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No matter how strong our relationship may be, disagreements are inevitable.  What makes the difference is how we handle discord.  What tools do you have in your communication toolbox?  In my featured guest article for Our Mom Spot, "Marriage: Fighting Fair," you'll find concrete examples and tips for improving the communication in your marriage or intimate partnership.  Click here to take a look!

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Couples Counseling: A Blame-Free Zone

9/10/2012

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Have you been wanting to come to couples counseling for months, even years, but haven’t yet made the appointment?  If so, you are not alone.  Many couples try to work out their problems on their own, often resulting in painful arguments and frustrating stalemates.   Other couples take what seems like the path of least resistance: ignoring their problems and living like strangers under the same roof.  This “blinders on” approach may reduce conflict initially, but underneath the surface, tensions are mounting.  So, what is stopping some of these once-happy couples from seeking help with their relationship?  Worrying about being labeled “the bad partner” can be a barrier.

No one wants to feel shamed.  And why should they?  If a member of a couple is afraid of being singled out as solely responsible for the conflict, of course they would be resistant to counseling.  Let’s acknowledge that couples are a system.  Even if the presenting issue is infidelity, for example, it did not occur in a vacuum.  This does not mean that breaking the agreed-to relationship rules is okay, or that the non-adulterous partner is to blame.  What it does mean, however, is that the couples session is a blame-free zone, and a place to focus on how to strengthen the relationship.  Ideally, the therapist creates a safe space for the couple to share their feelings with each other, exploring together what went awry, how and if tru
st can be re-established, and ways to eventually move forward.  Judgment (on the part of the therapist) has no place in couples counseling.  No sides are taken.  The spotlight shines on how to improve communication and the dynamics of the relationship.

If worry over being labeled “the problem one” in a relationship has been keeping you from seeking help, don’t allow it to be a barrier any longer.  Asking for support in improving your relationship skills takes courage and shows your commitment to making things between the two of you even better.  Call me at 949-648-7991 to schedule an appointment now and get started on getting back that strong connection with your partner.



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The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights

2/15/2012

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_ When discussing bereavement and loss with colleagues the other day, I learned of a Bill of Rights for those in grief.  I thought that it was a wonderful way to give ourselves "permission" to grieve and to acknowledge our feelings in times of loss, be it from a death or another loss such as divorce, illness, or other life transition.  I share it here with you in the hopes that you'll find it meaningful as well.  Is there anything you would add to it?  I invite you to add your comments below.

The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD
Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Ft. Collins, Colorado

  1. Experience your own unique grief. No one will grieve the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t let them tell you how you should be feeling.

  2. Talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will let you talk as much as you want, as often as you want.

  3. Feel a multitude of emotions. You will feel many emotions during your grief journey. Some may tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

  4. Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness can fatigue you. Respect what your body and mind tell you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into activities you’re not ready for.

  5. Experience grief “attacks”. Sometimes, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

  6. Make use of ritual. Rituals do more than acknowledge the death of someone. They provide you with support from caring people, as well as a way to mourn.

  7. Embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it. Be with people who understand and support your religious beliefs.

  8. Search for meaning. You may ask, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some questions may have answers, others don’t. Watch for clichéd responses people may give you, like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for”. These sentiments are not helpful, and you do not have to agree with them.

  9. Treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a loved one. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

  10. Move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient with you. Neither you nor those around you should forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.


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Four Suggestions for Coping with Divorce or Separation

11/2/2011

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When we commit to being with another person, be it my marriage, having children, or another type of ceremony, we expect to be together forever.  Unfortunately, half of all  marriages in the United States end in divorce.  If you are going through this painful life transition, there are steps that you can take to make the process a little easier.

Prioritize self-care.  Divorce and separation are difficult losses and create great amounts of stress on your body and mind.  Schedule daily exercise, eat well, and get plenty of sleep to keep yourself healthy.

Be patient with your friends.  With divorce and separation, friendships are altered.  Some friends feel that they need to “pick a side” of the couple.  Try to tap into your patience and empathy…your breakup is likely tough on your friends as well.

Protect your kids.  If you and your partner have children together, do your best to decrease their exposure to your conflict.  Watch your language when speaking of your ex so that your kids don’t hear hurtful and damaging messages about the other parent.

Seek support.  Connect with others who can relate to what you’re going through.  Make sure to find positive, uplifting people who can shore you up through this transition.  Support groups and individual counseling or therapy can be other places to find help.

Divorce and separation are often rife with difficult emotions.  This list of suggestions, while not comprehensive, is a place to start. 

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    Marnee Reiley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working with couples and adults in Irvine, Orange County, California.

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