Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

I've been really enjoying Sarah Manguso's spare and concise writing lately, and have read three of her non-fiction books.  "Two Kinds of Decay" is a memoir about managing the physical and emotional toll of her chronic illness.  In "The Guardians, an Elegy for a Friend," she writes of a dear friend's death by suicide.  Her latest book is a deconstructed memoir, scattered thoughts and moments taken from her personal diaries.  Here's one passage that was of particular interest to me:

"Marriage isn't a fixed experience. It's a continuous one. It changes form but is still always there, a rivulet under a frozen stream. Now, when I feel a break in the continuity of 'till death do us part,' I think to myself, 'Get back in the river.'"     
       ~ Sarah Manguso in Ongoingness, The End of a Diary

Certainly not the perspective that popular culture, fairy tales, and romance novels present.  Sarah Manguso takes us beyond the one-time vow of "I do" and reminds us that in marriage, the "I do" is a daily mindful decision.  What are your thoughts on marriage and other committed relationships?

I've recently been contacted by DecodingHim.com to add my voice on certain subjects regarding relationships.  Feel free to take a look if the following topics interest you!

How To Break Up Gracefully
Hint: Check out #5!

How To Overcome the Fear of Abandonment
Hint: Check out #7!

Have you been wanting to come to couples counseling for months, even years, but haven’t yet made the appointment?  If so, you are not alone.  Many couples try to work out their problems on their own, often resulting in painful arguments and frustrating stalemates.   Other couples take what seems like the path of least resistance: ignoring their problems and living like strangers under the same roof.  This “blinders on” approach may reduce conflict initially, but underneath the surface, tensions are mounting.  So, what is stopping some of these once-happy couples from seeking help with their relationship?  Worrying about being labeled “the bad partner” can be a barrier.

No one wants to feel shamed.  And why should they?  If a member of a couple is afraid of being singled out as solely responsible for the conflict, of course they would be resistant to counseling.  Let’s acknowledge that couples are a system.  Even if the presenting issue is infidelity, for example, it did not occur in a vacuum.  This does not mean that breaking the agreed-to relationship rules is okay, or that the non-adulterous partner is to blame.  What it does mean, however, is that the couples session is a blame-free zone, and a place to focus on how to strengthen the relationship.  Ideally, the therapist creates a safe space for the couple to share their feelings with each other, exploring together what went awry, how and if trust can be re-established, and ways to eventually move forward.  Judgment (on the part of the therapist) has no place in couples counseling.  No sides are taken.  The spotlight shines on how to improve communication and the dynamics of the relationship.

If worry over being labeled “the problem one” in a relationship has been keeping you from seeking help, don’t allow it to be a barrier any longer.  Asking for support in improving your relationship skills takes courage and shows your commitment to making things between the two of you even better.  Call me at 949-648-7991 to schedule an appointment now and get started on getting back that strong connection with your partner.