Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

I recently finished Meghan Daum's compelling book of essays, The Unspeakable.  She writes poignantly about her life and observations.  Her essay "The Dog Exception" was, well, no exception.  A particular paragraph stuck with me and I wanted to share it, as I come across this sentiment often when counseling a client grieving a pet.  Sometimes, there's a disowning of the grief, a fear that others may minimize the pain since "it was only a dog (a cat, a hamster, a bird...)."  I find Meghan Daum's words to hold validation for those who have suffered a similar loss and permission to grieve wholeheartedly.

On losing her dog Rex, she writes:

Have you ever felt this way at the loss of a beloved pet?  I'd love to hear your thoughts and whether or not this resonated with you.  

At the end of Elyn Saks' courageous and fascinating memoir about her struggles with schizophrenia, she reflects on what it was that helped support her along the way.  I can hardly think of a better description of how the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client can be so transformational, and I wanted to share her words with you.

"Medication has no doubt played a central role in helping me manage my psychosis, but what has allowed me to see the meaning in my struggles - to make sense of everything that happened before and during the course of my illness, and to mobilize what strengths I may possess into a rich and productive life - is talk therapy.  People like me with a thought disorder are not supposed to benefit much from this kind of treatment, a talk therapy oriented toward insight and based upon a relationship.  But I have.  There may be a substitute for the human connection - for two people sitting together in a room, one of them with the freedom to speak her mind, knowing the other is paying careful and thoughtful attention - but I don't know what that substitute might be.  It is, at the heart of things, a relationship, and for me it has been the key to every other relationship I hold precious."
 
                         ~ Elyn R. Saks, "The Center Cannot Hold"

I've recently been contacted by DecodingHim.com to add my voice on certain subjects regarding relationships.  Feel free to take a look if the following topics interest you!

How To Break Up Gracefully
Hint: Check out #5!

How To Overcome the Fear of Abandonment
Hint: Check out #7!

"The devil's a liar!  Don't listen to him!  There are angels all around you!"

No, these weren't the words belted out across the pews at a church on a Sunday morning.  This was inspiration found in a weekday funk dance class.

I'd decided to try an intriguing new class, CardioFunk, offered at my local gym.  Scanning the others in the studio, it was clear that I wasn't going to be the only one relatively new to this style.  There's something about dancing that can bring out insecurities and self-consciousness, making an otherwise capable adult feel as vulnerable as a gangly teen at a school formal. 

Luckily, the instructor was onto us.  Milo had enough experience teaching hip hop to suburbanites to know that we just might be feeling, well, a touch un-cool.  That's when he started with the verbal support.

"Don't listen to that voice that's bringing you down.  That's the devil and he's a liar! Let loose and dance like you're alone at home."

Milo's words were enthusiastic enough to override the negative thoughts that were threatening to derail our fun.  His message was clear: the more you just go for it, the more confident you'll look and feel.  I often use cognitive behavioral therapy techniques in my counseling work.  I know how powerful our thoughts can be in affecting our feelings.  Who knew I'd be reminded of a principle of psychology in my morning gym class?  Thank you, Milo, for guiding us out of our heads and onto the dance floor.

Our lives get busy and, before we know it, we're already turning the corner to a new year.  The winter season is a good reminder to slow down, reflect, and take a moment to appreciate that which has meaning in our lives.  The new year is also a time of renewed hope, providing us with motivation to recommit to our goals.  Mindfulness, or, being fully present in the moment, is a way to savor the experiences that define our lives.  In this festive season, I hope you take the opportunity to feel and express gratitude for where you've been, where you're going, and for those who have shared joyfully in your journey.

Wishing you a beautiful new year,

Marnee

Have you been wanting to come to couples counseling for months, even years, but haven’t yet made the appointment?  If so, you are not alone.  Many couples try to work out their problems on their own, often resulting in painful arguments and frustrating stalemates.   Other couples take what seems like the path of least resistance: ignoring their problems and living like strangers under the same roof.  This “blinders on” approach may reduce conflict initially, but underneath the surface, tensions are mounting.  So, what is stopping some of these once-happy couples from seeking help with their relationship?  Worrying about being labeled “the bad partner” can be a barrier.

No one wants to feel shamed.  And why should they?  If a member of a couple is afraid of being singled out as solely responsible for the conflict, of course they would be resistant to counseling.  Let’s acknowledge that couples are a system.  Even if the presenting issue is infidelity, for example, it did not occur in a vacuum.  This does not mean that breaking the agreed-to relationship rules is okay, or that the non-adulterous partner is to blame.  What it does mean, however, is that the couples session is a blame-free zone, and a place to focus on how to strengthen the relationship.  Ideally, the therapist creates a safe space for the couple to share their feelings with each other, exploring together what went awry, how and if trust can be re-established, and ways to eventually move forward.  Judgment (on the part of the therapist) has no place in couples counseling.  No sides are taken.  The spotlight shines on how to improve communication and the dynamics of the relationship.

If worry over being labeled “the problem one” in a relationship has been keeping you from seeking help, don’t allow it to be a barrier any longer.  Asking for support in improving your relationship skills takes courage and shows your commitment to making things between the two of you even better.  Call me at 949-648-7991 to schedule an appointment now and get started on getting back that strong connection with your partner.

What comes to mind when you think about parents and kids sitting down for a difficult conversation?  Most people might envision parents having a heart-to-heart with their teen about the birds and the bees or substance abuse.  But what if the kids are in their 30s, 40s, or 50s, and the topics they want to discuss include whether or not mom should turn over the keys to the car for good or what happens if dad has a stroke and needs long term care?

Family dynamics and communication styles play a large role in how these talks will proceed.  If lines of communication were never transparent in a family, it’s likely that approaching an aging parent will be more challenging. Moving, money, health, and driving are commonly the trickiest topics to discuss with older adults (D’Aprix, 2010).  This is due to the fact that, often, the parent is concerned about losing autonomy and shifting into a more dependent role.  For decades, they’ve been the ones in charge of their own finances, home, and lifestyle, and often see no reason to cede control to their children.  Adult children, however, may be worried about their parents’ safety and wellbeing, yet be uncomfortable transitioning to a caregiving role.

While broaching the tough topics with aging parents may be challenging, there are some methods that can help.  Talking to parents before a health setback or other crisis occurs is paramount.  Choose a calm, quiet, appropriate time and place to start a dialogue, and gauge if both you and your parent is in a relaxed mindset to have a discussion.  These talks don’t have to be drawn out; twenty minutes is fine.  Be sure to continue to keep talking at regular intervals.  To avoid a power struggle, make the goal of the talks clear: maximizing the independence of the aging parent (Edmonds, 2012).  The safer, healthier, and more financially organized the parent is, the longer the parent will be able to maintain the maximum autonomy.  You, as the adult child, are there to assist and support this goal as long as safely feasible.

References:

D’Aprix, A. (2010, November 17). Challenges of                  communication between older adults   [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com            /watch?v=b1sLvrTlaUo

Edmonds, D.S. (2006-2012).  Talk to elderly parents about the future.  Retrieved July 25, 2012, from http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/talk-to-elderly.html

Julie simply couldn’t believe her ears.  Considering herself a good friend, she had agreed to help with Barbara’s birthday party and be in charge of bringing the cupcakes.  The afternoon before the party, Barbara had called in a panic.

“Julie!  I’m so glad I reached you.  About the cupcakes:  I need enough for 180 people and I need them to be vegan.”

Gulp.

Though dumbfounded by the nerve of Barbara to make such a demand, Julie took pride in her considerable ability to solve problems and come through for a friend in need.  Though her gut told her that this was above and beyond a reasonable request, she called every bakery within a 20-mile radius and finally found one that could fill the last-minute order.

Fast-forward to two years later.  Barbara is now engaged to be married and has asked Julie to be in the bridal party…and to do all of the floral arrangements.  Could Julie do it all?  Could she plan a shower, a bachelorette party, and coordinate the flowers?  Of course she could!  She is capable, organized, and naturally prone to saying yes when friends ask for help.  This time, however, Julie stopped to listen to that nagging feeling that this was just too much.  She took a beat, reflected on her resentment over the cupcake crisis, and remembered to listen to what she wanted.  In a nutshell, Julie decided to take what felt like a risk, and put her own needs above those of Barbara.  She uttered the magic word: “no.” 

It was a qualified “no.”  Julie realized that because she loves working with flowers, she would be genuinely happy to take on the role of florist for her friend’s celebration.  But she was able to muster her courage, take a chance that Barbara would be hurt or angry, and say that she would not be able to take over the party-coordinating duties expected of a maid-of-honor. 

If Barbara was upset, she did not show it.  Julie felt relieved and deservedly proud of herself for identifying and prioritizing her own comfort zone.  Ultimately, Julie’s choice to set boundaries resulted in a closer bond between the two women.  Julie’s resentment dissipated and her own feelings of self-esteem blossomed. 

Does Julie’s story resonate with you?  Have you ever found yourself blind-sided by a demanding friend, only to kick yourself later for having given in?  Here are three things that you can do to become for comfortable with setting boundaries:

1.  Slow down.  In the rush to solve someone else’s problem, you might say yes to something you are truly not comfortable with.  By not responding right away, you give yourself time to check in with your own feelings.  If someone makes a request that doesn’t immediately sit right with you, honor your intuition by taking the time to mull it over.  Consider saying something like “I’m not sure about that.  Let me think about it and get back to you.” 

2.  Don’t beat yourself up.  In life, we have many opportunities to learn new things about ourselves.  Julie may have over-extended herself with the vegan cupcakes, but learned from the situation and altered her behavior when it came to Barbara’s wedding.  There is always another chance to change how you respond to others.

3.  Tolerate ambiguity and stick to your values.  Saying “no” can feel risky.  You may not be sure if you’ll lose a friend or upset an acquaintance.  In the end, Barbara’s reaction was not in Julie’s control.  Julie could only control her own choices and behavior.  Julie’s growth came in recognizing and following her own inner guidance and remaining true to herself.  And that tasted sweeter than any vegan cupcake ever could.

Marnee Reiley, Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern, works with clients in finding their authentic voice, setting comfortable boundaries, and enhancing self-esteem.  Learn more at www.YourOCTherapist.com.