Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

I was recently contacted by the moderator of LoveEvolveandThrive.com to write about how to attract healthy love.  Many therapists, counselors and coaches contributed, and you can find my take on the subject by scrolling down to entry #18.  In it, I write about Challenging Your Fears of Showing Your True Self as a gateway to attracting a healthy relationship. To read the article, click here.   Let me know your thoughts and what has worked for you!

Here are some ideas on how to cultivate flexibility and your ability to bounce back.

8 Tips from the APA on Building Resilience:

1. Make connections
2. Accept change as a part of life
3. Move towards your goals
4. Take decisive action
5. Look for opportunities for self-discovery
6. Nurture a positive view of yourself
7. Keep things in perspective
8. Maintain a hopeful outlook

Do you have any others that you'd add?

I've been really enjoying Sarah Manguso's spare and concise writing lately, and have read three of her non-fiction books.  "Two Kinds of Decay" is a memoir about managing the physical and emotional toll of her chronic illness.  In "The Guardians, an Elegy for a Friend," she writes of a dear friend's death by suicide.  Her latest book is a deconstructed memoir, scattered thoughts and moments taken from her personal diaries.  Here's one passage that was of particular interest to me:

"Marriage isn't a fixed experience. It's a continuous one. It changes form but is still always there, a rivulet under a frozen stream. Now, when I feel a break in the continuity of 'till death do us part,' I think to myself, 'Get back in the river.'"     
       ~ Sarah Manguso in Ongoingness, The End of a Diary

Certainly not the perspective that popular culture, fairy tales, and romance novels present.  Sarah Manguso takes us beyond the one-time vow of "I do" and reminds us that in marriage, the "I do" is a daily mindful decision.  What are your thoughts on marriage and other committed relationships?

You'd think it'd be easy to be your authentic self, wouldn't you?  Just let your true essence shine through, right?  If only it were so simple.  Our fears come into play and stop us in our tracks.  What if I'm rejected?  What if they don't like the real me?  

Click the link below for some tips on how to live more authentically.  My contribution is #2!  

How To Be Your Authentic Self

I recently finished Meghan Daum's compelling book of essays, The Unspeakable.  She writes poignantly about her life and observations.  Her essay "The Dog Exception" was, well, no exception.  A particular paragraph stuck with me and I wanted to share it, as I come across this sentiment often when counseling a client grieving a pet.  Sometimes, there's a disowning of the grief, a fear that others may minimize the pain since "it was only a dog (a cat, a hamster, a bird...)."  I find Meghan Daum's words to hold validation for those who have suffered a similar loss and permission to grieve wholeheartedly.

On losing her dog Rex, she writes:

Have you ever felt this way at the loss of a beloved pet?  I'd love to hear your thoughts and whether or not this resonated with you.  

Don’t you just love it when you are inspired by something new?  Something you read a book, saw in a film, heard in a conversation?  That’s how I felt after reading about the distinction between romantic love and human love in Robert A. Johnson’s book “We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love.” 

Johnson uses the story of Tristan and Isault (the precursor to Romeo and Juliet) to examine and illustrate the role that romantic love plays in our society.  Using a Jungian perspective, he asserts that the phenomenon of romantic love has taken the place of religion in modern society as a place where we look for meaning and completeness; it’s something that we strive for and exalt.  Romantic love is the stuff of poetry and myth; it’s the projection of our own idealizations on our partner, the “butterflies in the stomach.” 

By contrast, human love is the everyday.  It’s not glamorous and sparkling; it’s the “we’re in this together, paying the bills, getting the kids to school” quotidian kind of love.  It’s the partnership, the seeing the other as a human being, flaws and all, and loving them as they truly are.  It’s the removal of idealizations, expectations, and demands for transcendence that we place upon another human being in the name of “being in love.”

If the idea of human love strikes you as dull by comparison, there’s no need to banish romantic love.  You can put it in its place by turning it inward.  Take the idealizations that you’ve placed on your partner, and incorporate them as your own “inner ideal.”  Doing so enriches your own inner world, and frees you to love your partner in a realistic, human way.  Here’s how Johnson distinguishes it:

“But one of the great needs of modern people is to learn the difference between human love as a basis for relationship, and romantic love as an inner ideal, a path to the inner world.  Love does not suffer from being freed from the belief systems of romantic love.  Love’s status will only improve as love is distinguished from romance.” 

Certainly this brief overview only touches the surface of the concepts presented in this book.  If this piques your interest enough to learn how your relationships can flourish under this perspective, I encourage you to explore the book. If you have thoughts on human vs. romantic love, please comment below. 

I just finished Janet Mock's fantastic memoir "Redefining Realness," in which she includes the above quote from Audre Lorde.  Ms. Mock uses it in reference to the vulnerability of speaking about her journey as a transgender woman and the strength it's taken to "step out of the silence and come forward fully as my own woman."  This concept of finding strength in vulnerability is echoed in Brene Brown's work, such as in her book "Daring Greatly."  The idea is that we connect with others on a deeper, more authentic level when we shed our masks and take a risk to show who we truly are.  I've found this to be true; in my own life it's the people to whom I "unmask" myself and who do the same with me who are those I consider the closest.  In a recent session, a client and I pondered the juxtaposition of the beauty of vulnerability and its connective potential with the need to maintain boundaries and a sense of safety.  If we share our full truth indiscriminately, are we safe?  Perhaps not from others' judgment, but maybe that doesn't matter so much once we've taken the leap to stand firm in our self-acceptance.  This is how I've interpreted the messages from Audre Lorde, Janet Mock, Brene Brown, and others.  What are your thoughts?  Do you dare greatly?  Do you make your vulnerability visible?  

PS...click here to find these wonderful books (and others) in my mental health resource list.

I just listened to this segment on Ira Glass' fantastic program, This American Life.  It offers an alternative to frustrating patterns of communication with our loved ones with Alzheimer's...patterns that often result in power struggles and, frankly, just don't work for anyone involved.  Scratch the old way, and consider using humor, creativity, and  an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude for greater connection.

At the end of Elyn Saks' courageous and fascinating memoir about her struggles with schizophrenia, she reflects on what it was that helped support her along the way.  I can hardly think of a better description of how the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client can be so transformational, and I wanted to share her words with you.

"Medication has no doubt played a central role in helping me manage my psychosis, but what has allowed me to see the meaning in my struggles - to make sense of everything that happened before and during the course of my illness, and to mobilize what strengths I may possess into a rich and productive life - is talk therapy.  People like me with a thought disorder are not supposed to benefit much from this kind of treatment, a talk therapy oriented toward insight and based upon a relationship.  But I have.  There may be a substitute for the human connection - for two people sitting together in a room, one of them with the freedom to speak her mind, knowing the other is paying careful and thoughtful attention - but I don't know what that substitute might be.  It is, at the heart of things, a relationship, and for me it has been the key to every other relationship I hold precious."
 
                         ~ Elyn R. Saks, "The Center Cannot Hold"