Marnee Reiley, M.A., LMFT          Counseling in Irvine, Orange County, CA
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TV's Dismal Vision of Marriage Counseling

10/24/2016

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The emotional equivalent of the experience of marriage counseling in HBO's "Divorce." Not too inviting, huh?
Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  
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How to Say 'No' Without Feeling Guilty

1/16/2014

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Saying "no" can be tough stuff, but here are 14 ideas of how to tackle this issue with grace and integrity.  Take a look at my contribution, #10, in this article on the Personal Development Cafe site. 

How to Say 'No' Without Feeling Guilty.


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How Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

1/8/2014

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Here's another link to an article published on the Personal Development Cafe site.  Take a look at #7 to see my contribution: Check in with yourself.  How Not To Lose Yourself in a Relationship.
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Recent posts on relationships

12/31/2013

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I've recently been contacted by DecodingHim.com to add my voice on certain subjects regarding relationships.  Feel free to take a look if the following topics interest you!

How To Break Up Gracefully
Hint: Check out #5!

How To Overcome the Fear of Abandonment
Hint: Check out #7!
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Marriage: Fighting Fair

11/26/2012

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No matter how strong our relationship may be, disagreements are inevitable.  What makes the difference is how we handle discord.  What tools do you have in your communication toolbox?  In my featured guest article for Our Mom Spot, "Marriage: Fighting Fair," you'll find concrete examples and tips for improving the communication in your marriage or intimate partnership.  Click here to take a look!

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Tips for Communication with an Aging Parent

7/26/2012

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What comes to mind when you think about parents and kids sitting down for a difficult conversation?  Most people might envision parents having a heart-to-heart with their teen about the birds and the bees or substance abuse.  But what if the kids are in their 30s, 40s, or 50s, and the topics they want to discuss include whether or not mom should turn over the keys to the car for good or what happens if dad has a stroke and needs long term care?

Family dynamics and communication styles play a large role in how these talks will proceed.  If lines of communication were never transparent in a family, it’s likely that approaching an aging parent will be more challenging. Moving, money, health, and driving are commonly the trickiest topics to discuss with older adults (D’Aprix, 2010).  This is due to the fact that, often, the parent is concerned about losing autonomy and shifting into a more dependent role.  For decades, they’ve been the ones in charge of their own finances, home, and lifestyle, and often see no reason to cede control to their children.  Adult children, however, may be worried about their parents’ safety and wellbeing, yet be uncomfortable transitioning to a caregiving role.

While broaching the tough topics with aging parents may be challenging, there are some methods that can help.  Talking to parents before a health setback or other crisis occurs is paramount.  Choose a calm, quiet, appropriate time and place to start a dialogue, and gauge if both you and your parent is in a relaxed mindset to have a discussion.  These talks don’t have to be drawn out; twenty minutes is fine.  Be sure to continue to keep talking at regular intervals.  To avoid a power struggle, make the goal of the talks clear: maximizing the independence of the aging parent (Edmonds, 2012).  The safer, healthier, and more financially organized the parent is, the longer the parent will be able to maintain the maximum autonomy.  You, as the adult child, are there to assist and support this goal as long as safely feasible.

References:

D’Aprix, A. (2010, November 17). Challenges of
                 communication between older adults   [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com            /watch?v=b1sLvrTlaUo

Edmonds, D.S. (2006-2012).  Talk to elderly 
parents about the future.  Retrieved July 25, 2012, from http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/talk-to-elderly.html


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Setting Boundaries: Knowing When to Say "No."

6/28/2012

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Julie simply couldn’t believe her ears.  Considering herself a good friend, she had agreed to help with Barbara’s birthday party and be in charge of bringing the cupcakes.  The afternoon before the party, Barbara had called in a panic.

“Julie!  I’m so glad I reached you.  About the cupcakes:  I need enough for 180 people and I need them to be vegan.”

Gulp.

Though dumbfounded by the nerve of Barbara to make such a demand, Julie took pride in her considerable ability to solve problems and come through for a friend in need.  Though her gut told her that this was above and beyond a reasonable request, she called every bakery within a 20-mile radius and finally found one that could fill the last-minute order.

Fast-forward to two years later.  Barbara is now engaged to be married and has asked Julie to be in the bridal party…and to do all of the floral arrangements.  Could Julie do it all?  Could she plan a shower, a bachelorette party, and coordinate the flowers?  Of course she could!  She is capable, organized, and naturally prone to saying yes when friends ask for help.  This time, however, Julie stopped to listen to that nagging feeling that this was just too much.  She took a beat, reflected on her resentment over the cupcake crisis, and remembered to listen to what she wanted.  In a nutshell, Julie decided to take what felt like a risk, and put her own needs above those of Barbara.  She uttered the magic word: “no.” 

It was a qualified “no.”  Julie realized that because she loves working with flowers, she would be genuinely happy to take on the role of florist for her friend’s celebration.  But she was able to muster her courage, take a chance that Barbara would be hurt or angry, and say that she would not be able to take over the party-coordinating duties expected of a maid-of-honor. 

If Barbara was upset, she did not show it.  Julie felt relieved and deservedly proud of herself for identifying and prioritizing her own comfort zone.  Ultimately, Julie’s choice to set boundaries resulted in a closer bond between the two women.  Julie’s resentment dissipated and her own feelings of self-esteem blossomed. 

Does Julie’s story resonate with you?  Have you ever found yourself blind-sided by a demanding friend, only to kick yourself later for having given in?  Here are three things that you can do to become for comfortable with setting boundaries:

1.  Slow down.  In the rush to solve someone else’s problem, you might say yes to something you are truly not comfortable with.  By not responding right away, you give yourself time to check in with your own feelings.  If someone makes a request that doesn’t immediately sit right with you, honor your intuition by taking the time to mull it over.  Consider saying something like “I’m not sure about that.  Let me think about it and get back to you.” 

2.  Don’t beat yourself up.  In life, we have many opportunities to learn new things about ourselves.  Julie may have over-extended herself with the vegan cupcakes, but learned from the situation and altered her behavior when it came to Barbara’s wedding.  There is always another chance to change how you respond to others.

3.  Tolerate ambiguity and stick to your values.  Saying “no” can feel risky.  You may not be sure if you’ll lose a friend or upset an acquaintance.  In the end, Barbara’s reaction was not in Julie’s control.  Julie could only control her own choices and behavior.  Julie’s growth came in recognizing and following her own inner guidance and remaining true to herself.  And that tasted sweeter than any vegan cupcake ever could.

Marnee Reiley, Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern, works with clients in finding their authentic voice, setting comfortable boundaries, and enhancing self-esteem.  Learn more at www.YourOCTherapist.com.


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Couples: Ramp Up Those Communication Skills!

11/11/2011

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The number one complaint I hear from couples coming for counseling is this: “We are having problems communicating.”  We need to remember that we all come from different backgrounds, cultures, and families and that these differences shape our communication styles and the way we take in information from others.  Unless we’re conscious of this fact, our ability to understand and be understood by our partner could be compromised.  Here is a technique for you and your partner to practice to improve your communication.

1.    Listen actively and patiently.  Listening is a lost art.  Often, when we’re in a conversation, we’re planning ahead to our next comment rather than truly hearing the other person.  If you find your mind jumping ahead to craft a response, hold that thought.  Truly allow yourself to focus on what your partner is trying to convey.

2.    Ask clarifying questions.  Sometimes we can make assumptions about what our partner means, filtered through the lens of our own feelings, thoughts and emotions.  We all know what trouble we can get into by assuming.  If you’re not 100% clear on what your partner is saying, ask.  You’ll not only learn something new about your partner’s way of thinking, but you’ll also show that you’re interested, present, and listening.

3.    Confirm your understanding of what your partner has relayed.  Once you think that you have a handle on your partner’s message, repeat it back to them in your words to double check that you have it right.  You’d be surprised at how often there’s something that needs to be clarified to get your partner’s meaning crystal clear.

4.    Decrease your defensiveness.  This is the toughest part.  When our partner is expressing something that we don’t agree with, it can raise up our defenses, and fast.  Recognize this tendency and work to put down that shield.  Then, go back to active listening, asking clarifying questions, and confirming your understanding of your partner’s point of view.  Validating your partner’s reality does not mean that you are agreeing with them, but it can go a long way to bridging the communication gap.

While this technique is essential for building strong communication skills with an intimate partner, it is also highly effective in relationships with family members, friends and co-workers.  Give it a try this week and see the positive effect it has on your relationships.
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Four Suggestions for Coping with Divorce or Separation

11/2/2011

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When we commit to being with another person, be it my marriage, having children, or another type of ceremony, we expect to be together forever.  Unfortunately, half of all  marriages in the United States end in divorce.  If you are going through this painful life transition, there are steps that you can take to make the process a little easier.

Prioritize self-care.  Divorce and separation are difficult losses and create great amounts of stress on your body and mind.  Schedule daily exercise, eat well, and get plenty of sleep to keep yourself healthy.

Be patient with your friends.  With divorce and separation, friendships are altered.  Some friends feel that they need to “pick a side” of the couple.  Try to tap into your patience and empathy…your breakup is likely tough on your friends as well.

Protect your kids.  If you and your partner have children together, do your best to decrease their exposure to your conflict.  Watch your language when speaking of your ex so that your kids don’t hear hurtful and damaging messages about the other parent.

Seek support.  Connect with others who can relate to what you’re going through.  Make sure to find positive, uplifting people who can shore you up through this transition.  Support groups and individual counseling or therapy can be other places to find help.

Divorce and separation are often rife with difficult emotions.  This list of suggestions, while not comprehensive, is a place to start. 

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    Marnee Reiley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working with couples and adults in Irvine, Orange County, California.

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