Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

I was recently contacted by the moderator of LoveEvolveandThrive.com to write about how to attract healthy love.  Many therapists, counselors and coaches contributed, and you can find my take on the subject by scrolling down to entry #18.  In it, I write about Challenging Your Fears of Showing Your True Self as a gateway to attracting a healthy relationship. To read the article, click here.   Let me know your thoughts and what has worked for you!

I just listened to this segment on Ira Glass' fantastic program, This American Life.  It offers an alternative to frustrating patterns of communication with our loved ones with Alzheimer's...patterns that often result in power struggles and, frankly, just don't work for anyone involved.  Scratch the old way, and consider using humor, creativity, and  an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude for greater connection.

Saying "no" can be tough stuff, but here are 14 ideas of how to tackle this issue with grace and integrity.  Take a look at my contribution, #10, in this article on the Personal Development Cafe site. 

How to Say 'No' Without Feeling Guilty.

Here's another link to an article published on the Personal Development Cafe site.  Take a look at #7 to see my contribution: Check in with yourself.  How Not To Lose Yourself in a Relationship.

I've recently been contacted by DecodingHim.com to add my voice on certain subjects regarding relationships.  Feel free to take a look if the following topics interest you!

How To Break Up Gracefully
Hint: Check out #5!

How To Overcome the Fear of Abandonment
Hint: Check out #7!

As an adult child of an aging parent, you know how tricky it can be to have those sensitive conversations with your loved one.  Come join me on Tuesday, August 27th, from 5:30-6:30pm, for an engaging discussion how to approach the "top four" toughest subjects with your parents.

This free presentation will be held at the beautiful Atria Golden Creek community, 33 Creek Road, Irvine, CA 92604.  Please share the news with others!

In her fantastic new book "Daring Greatly," Dr. Brene Brown shares her insight into connection with others:

"When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection.  When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.  If we dismiss all the criticism, we lose our on important feedback, but if we subject ourselves to the hatefulness, our spirits get crushed.  It's a tightrope, shame resilience is the balance bar, and the safety net below is the one or two people in our lives who can help us reality-check the criticism and cynicism." 

What comes to mind when you think about parents and kids sitting down for a difficult conversation?  Most people might envision parents having a heart-to-heart with their teen about the birds and the bees or substance abuse.  But what if the kids are in their 30s, 40s, or 50s, and the topics they want to discuss include whether or not mom should turn over the keys to the car for good or what happens if dad has a stroke and needs long term care?

Family dynamics and communication styles play a large role in how these talks will proceed.  If lines of communication were never transparent in a family, it’s likely that approaching an aging parent will be more challenging. Moving, money, health, and driving are commonly the trickiest topics to discuss with older adults (D’Aprix, 2010).  This is due to the fact that, often, the parent is concerned about losing autonomy and shifting into a more dependent role.  For decades, they’ve been the ones in charge of their own finances, home, and lifestyle, and often see no reason to cede control to their children.  Adult children, however, may be worried about their parents’ safety and wellbeing, yet be uncomfortable transitioning to a caregiving role.

While broaching the tough topics with aging parents may be challenging, there are some methods that can help.  Talking to parents before a health setback or other crisis occurs is paramount.  Choose a calm, quiet, appropriate time and place to start a dialogue, and gauge if both you and your parent is in a relaxed mindset to have a discussion.  These talks don’t have to be drawn out; twenty minutes is fine.  Be sure to continue to keep talking at regular intervals.  To avoid a power struggle, make the goal of the talks clear: maximizing the independence of the aging parent (Edmonds, 2012).  The safer, healthier, and more financially organized the parent is, the longer the parent will be able to maintain the maximum autonomy.  You, as the adult child, are there to assist and support this goal as long as safely feasible.

References:

D’Aprix, A. (2010, November 17). Challenges of                  communication between older adults   [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com            /watch?v=b1sLvrTlaUo

Edmonds, D.S. (2006-2012).  Talk to elderly parents about the future.  Retrieved July 25, 2012, from http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/talk-to-elderly.html