I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of pausing.  Reflection.  Mindfulness. 

Many of us lead busy lives, and we like it that way.  Being always on the go feels good, like something is being accomplished.  We feel energized, productive.  But to what end are we racing? 

I recently reached a big goal in my life that I’d been working to achieve for nearly seven years.  My finish line had been so concrete, so unwavering.  I saw it and kept moving in its direction, step by step.  The clarity of the goal served as motivation, and helped me continue on what was an often-frustrating path filled with obstacles.  And what did I do when I finally reached this self-imposed finish line?  I just kept on running. 

A few days afterwards I came across a post on Facebook.  A woman posted photos of her stove, with a bubbling pot of stew atop, and her dog curled up on the kitchen floor.  The scene looked cozy and nurturing.  She commented that she’d just passed a huge test that had taken months of study and preparation.  Now, she wanted to spend some time in the subsequent week cooking, just for the pleasure of it.  It struck me that this woman had had the self-awareness to pause, appreciate her accomplishment, and turn her attention towards self-care.

As a therapist, I’m a huge fan of self-care.  But reading the Facebook post made me realize that there was room for improvement on that front.  While I may not choose to take a week off to cook, I can find time each day to pause and to appreciate where I’ve been, where I’m going, and, most importantly, where I am in the present moment.  If we make life all about reaching endless finish lines, we may never notice each step along the way.

How do you practice self-care?  How do you incorporate mindfulness into your life?

Don’t you just love it when you are inspired by something new?  Something you read a book, saw in a film, heard in a conversation?  That’s how I felt after reading about the distinction between romantic love and human love in Robert A. Johnson’s book “We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love.” 

Johnson uses the story of Tristan and Isault (the precursor to Romeo and Juliet) to examine and illustrate the role that romantic love plays in our society.  Using a Jungian perspective, he asserts that the phenomenon of romantic love has taken the place of religion in modern society as a place where we look for meaning and completeness; it’s something that we strive for and exalt.  Romantic love is the stuff of poetry and myth; it’s the projection of our own idealizations on our partner, the “butterflies in the stomach.” 

By contrast, human love is the everyday.  It’s not glamorous and sparkling; it’s the “we’re in this together, paying the bills, getting the kids to school” quotidian kind of love.  It’s the partnership, the seeing the other as a human being, flaws and all, and loving them as they truly are.  It’s the removal of idealizations, expectations, and demands for transcendence that we place upon another human being in the name of “being in love.”

If the idea of human love strikes you as dull by comparison, there’s no need to banish romantic love.  You can put it in its place by turning it inward.  Take the idealizations that you’ve placed on your partner, and incorporate them as your own “inner ideal.”  Doing so enriches your own inner world, and frees you to love your partner in a realistic, human way.  Here’s how Johnson distinguishes it:

“But one of the great needs of modern people is to learn the difference between human love as a basis for relationship, and romantic love as an inner ideal, a path to the inner world.  Love does not suffer from being freed from the belief systems of romantic love.  Love’s status will only improve as love is distinguished from romance.” 

Certainly this brief overview only touches the surface of the concepts presented in this book.  If this piques your interest enough to learn how your relationships can flourish under this perspective, I encourage you to explore the book. If you have thoughts on human vs. romantic love, please comment below.