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Reframing Emotional Pain

2/21/2012

Knowing of my work in grief and loss, a friend sent me this beautiful poem. Poetry can be a balm at times of pain. Its sparing use of language and imagery can capture and give voice to our feelings succinctly and poignantly. In reading the art of others, we recognize that we are not alone. To me, this work hearkens back to Rumi's "The Guest House" (see blog post from 2/17/12) which reminds us to accept our grief without judgment for it, too, can be a teacher.

Khalil Gibran on Pain from "The Prophet"

Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided
by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter
has moistened with His own sacred tears.

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Difficult Feelings? Invite Them In.

2/17/2012

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I love this poem by Rumi and wanted to share it with you. To me, it speaks to radical acceptance of what is. Rather than push away our feelings and try to deny them, welcome them. The more quickly we acknowledge them, difficult as they might be, the more quickly we can integrate and process them. They're there for a reason. Invite them in.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Rumi

(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

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The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights

2/15/2012

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When discussing bereavement and loss with colleagues the other day, I learned of a Bill of Rights for those in grief. I thought that it was a wonderful way to give ourselves "permission" to grieve and to acknowledge our feelings in times of loss, be it from a death or another loss such as divorce, illness, or other life transition. I share it here with you in the hopes that you'll find it meaningful as well. Is there anything you would add to it? I invite you to add your comments below.

The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD
Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Ft. Collins, Colorado

Experience your own unique grief. No one will grieve the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t let them tell you how you should be feeling.
Talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will let you talk as much as you want, as often as you want.
Feel a multitude of emotions. You will feel many emotions during your grief journey. Some may tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness can fatigue you. Respect what your body and mind tell you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into activities you’re not ready for.
Experience grief “attacks”. Sometimes, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
Make use of ritual. Rituals do more than acknowledge the death of someone. They provide you with support from caring people, as well as a way to mourn.
Embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it. Be with people who understand and support your religious beliefs.
Search for meaning. You may ask, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some questions may have answers, others don’t. Watch for clichéd responses people may give you, like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for”. These sentiments are not helpful, and you do not have to agree with them.
Treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a loved one. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
Move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient with you. Neither you nor those around you should forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

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Reframing Emotional Pain

Difficult Feelings? Invite Them In.

The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights

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