When we're busy caring for others, we can neglect our own needs.  This leads to burnout, resentment, and overwhelm.  By elevating self-care from a luxury to a necessity, we practice self-love and are able to refill our own supplies of energy, joy, and motivation.

I recently contributed to a personal development blog on this very subject.  Scroll down to entry #6 at the link below to see my tips for showing yourself the love you deserve.

How to Love Yourself

What are some of the things you do to prioritize your needs?

I was recently asked to be a contributor for a website dedicated to personal development.  The topic was a particular favorite of mine: how to improve your self-esteem.   Many other counselors and therapists weighed in with their unique perspectives.  If something resonated with you I'd love to hear about it in the comment section below!

Here's the link to the article:

"How To Improve Your Self-Esteem."

Today's the first day of spring.  What a wonderful opportunity to take pause and consider the changing of the seasons.  It's a time that signifies rebirth and renewal.  

We can get so caught up in everyday details, rushing from task to task, appointment to appointment.  Why not take a moment to slow down and set an intention for the new season?  Setting an intention doesn't need to mean making a resolution for a specific accomplishment, although it can if that's meaningful to you.  I'm looking at it more from a mindset perspective; setting an intention in more psychological terms.  One thing I'd like to remember is to bring my restless mind back to the present moment and drink in life as it's unfolding.

What's an intention you'd like to set?  I'd love to hear your ideas.

I recently finished Meghan Daum's compelling book of essays, The Unspeakable.  She writes poignantly about her life and observations.  Her essay "The Dog Exception" was, well, no exception.  A particular paragraph stuck with me and I wanted to share it, as I come across this sentiment often when counseling a client grieving a pet.  Sometimes, there's a disowning of the grief, a fear that others may minimize the pain since "it was only a dog (a cat, a hamster, a bird...)."  I find Meghan Daum's words to hold validation for those who have suffered a similar loss and permission to grieve wholeheartedly.

On losing her dog Rex, she writes:

Have you ever felt this way at the loss of a beloved pet?  I'd love to hear your thoughts and whether or not this resonated with you.  

Listen live on Tuesday, February 10th, at 1pm PST on kx@onelaguna.com.  Hear me in conversation with the fabulous Kim Sage on her radio show Loved. We'll be talking about Alzheimer's, the current film "Still Alice," and caregiving from the perspective of therapy and psychology.  

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of pausing.  Reflection.  Mindfulness. 

Many of us lead busy lives, and we like it that way.  Being always on the go feels good, like something is being accomplished.  We feel energized, productive.  But to what end are we racing? 

I recently reached a big goal in my life that I’d been working to achieve for nearly seven years.  My finish line had been so concrete, so unwavering.  I saw it and kept moving in its direction, step by step.  The clarity of the goal served as motivation, and helped me continue on what was an often-frustrating path filled with obstacles.  And what did I do when I finally reached this self-imposed finish line?  I just kept on running. 

A few days afterwards I came across a post on Facebook.  A woman posted photos of her stove, with a bubbling pot of stew atop, and her dog curled up on the kitchen floor.  The scene looked cozy and nurturing.  She commented that she’d just passed a huge test that had taken months of study and preparation.  Now, she wanted to spend some time in the subsequent week cooking, just for the pleasure of it.  It struck me that this woman had had the self-awareness to pause, appreciate her accomplishment, and turn her attention towards self-care.

As a therapist, I’m a huge fan of self-care.  But reading the Facebook post made me realize that there was room for improvement on that front.  While I may not choose to take a week off to cook, I can find time each day to pause and to appreciate where I’ve been, where I’m going, and, most importantly, where I am in the present moment.  If we make life all about reaching endless finish lines, we may never notice each step along the way.

How do you practice self-care?  How do you incorporate mindfulness into your life?

Don’t you just love it when you are inspired by something new?  Something you read a book, saw in a film, heard in a conversation?  That’s how I felt after reading about the distinction between romantic love and human love in Robert A. Johnson’s book “We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love.” 

Johnson uses the story of Tristan and Isault (the precursor to Romeo and Juliet) to examine and illustrate the role that romantic love plays in our society.  Using a Jungian perspective, he asserts that the phenomenon of romantic love has taken the place of religion in modern society as a place where we look for meaning and completeness; it’s something that we strive for and exalt.  Romantic love is the stuff of poetry and myth; it’s the projection of our own idealizations on our partner, the “butterflies in the stomach.” 

By contrast, human love is the everyday.  It’s not glamorous and sparkling; it’s the “we’re in this together, paying the bills, getting the kids to school” quotidian kind of love.  It’s the partnership, the seeing the other as a human being, flaws and all, and loving them as they truly are.  It’s the removal of idealizations, expectations, and demands for transcendence that we place upon another human being in the name of “being in love.”

If the idea of human love strikes you as dull by comparison, there’s no need to banish romantic love.  You can put it in its place by turning it inward.  Take the idealizations that you’ve placed on your partner, and incorporate them as your own “inner ideal.”  Doing so enriches your own inner world, and frees you to love your partner in a realistic, human way.  Here’s how Johnson distinguishes it:

“But one of the great needs of modern people is to learn the difference between human love as a basis for relationship, and romantic love as an inner ideal, a path to the inner world.  Love does not suffer from being freed from the belief systems of romantic love.  Love’s status will only improve as love is distinguished from romance.” 

Certainly this brief overview only touches the surface of the concepts presented in this book.  If this piques your interest enough to learn how your relationships can flourish under this perspective, I encourage you to explore the book. If you have thoughts on human vs. romantic love, please comment below. 

I just finished Janet Mock's fantastic memoir "Redefining Realness," in which she includes the above quote from Audre Lorde.  Ms. Mock uses it in reference to the vulnerability of speaking about her journey as a transgender woman and the strength it's taken to "step out of the silence and come forward fully as my own woman."  This concept of finding strength in vulnerability is echoed in Brene Brown's work, such as in her book "Daring Greatly."  The idea is that we connect with others on a deeper, more authentic level when we shed our masks and take a risk to show who we truly are.  I've found this to be true; in my own life it's the people to whom I "unmask" myself and who do the same with me who are those I consider the closest.  In a recent session, a client and I pondered the juxtaposition of the beauty of vulnerability and its connective potential with the need to maintain boundaries and a sense of safety.  If we share our full truth indiscriminately, are we safe?  Perhaps not from others' judgment, but maybe that doesn't matter so much once we've taken the leap to stand firm in our self-acceptance.  This is how I've interpreted the messages from Audre Lorde, Janet Mock, Brene Brown, and others.  What are your thoughts?  Do you dare greatly?  Do you make your vulnerability visible?  

PS...click here to find these wonderful books (and others) in my mental health resource list.

Come join me and other sponsors at the Senior Health and Wellness Fair at The Regency in Laguna Woods on Thursday, September 18, 2014 from 10:30am - 4pm.  It's free to attend, and will feature Orange County local professionals, such as myself, from all facets of health and wellness.  I can't wait to see you...be sure to stop by my table for mental health tips and to say hello!

I just listened to this segment on Ira Glass' fantastic program, This American Life.  It offers an alternative to frustrating patterns of communication with our loved ones with Alzheimer's...patterns that often result in power struggles and, frankly, just don't work for anyone involved.  Scratch the old way, and consider using humor, creativity, and  an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude for greater connection.