Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

I was recently contacted by the moderator of LoveEvolveandThrive.com to write about how to attract healthy love.  Many therapists, counselors and coaches contributed, and you can find my take on the subject by scrolling down to entry #18.  In it, I write about Challenging Your Fears of Showing Your True Self as a gateway to attracting a healthy relationship. To read the article, click here.   Let me know your thoughts and what has worked for you!

Don’t you just love it when you are inspired by something new?  Something you read a book, saw in a film, heard in a conversation?  That’s how I felt after reading about the distinction between romantic love and human love in Robert A. Johnson’s book “We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love.” 

Johnson uses the story of Tristan and Isault (the precursor to Romeo and Juliet) to examine and illustrate the role that romantic love plays in our society.  Using a Jungian perspective, he asserts that the phenomenon of romantic love has taken the place of religion in modern society as a place where we look for meaning and completeness; it’s something that we strive for and exalt.  Romantic love is the stuff of poetry and myth; it’s the projection of our own idealizations on our partner, the “butterflies in the stomach.” 

By contrast, human love is the everyday.  It’s not glamorous and sparkling; it’s the “we’re in this together, paying the bills, getting the kids to school” quotidian kind of love.  It’s the partnership, the seeing the other as a human being, flaws and all, and loving them as they truly are.  It’s the removal of idealizations, expectations, and demands for transcendence that we place upon another human being in the name of “being in love.”

If the idea of human love strikes you as dull by comparison, there’s no need to banish romantic love.  You can put it in its place by turning it inward.  Take the idealizations that you’ve placed on your partner, and incorporate them as your own “inner ideal.”  Doing so enriches your own inner world, and frees you to love your partner in a realistic, human way.  Here’s how Johnson distinguishes it:

“But one of the great needs of modern people is to learn the difference between human love as a basis for relationship, and romantic love as an inner ideal, a path to the inner world.  Love does not suffer from being freed from the belief systems of romantic love.  Love’s status will only improve as love is distinguished from romance.” 

Certainly this brief overview only touches the surface of the concepts presented in this book.  If this piques your interest enough to learn how your relationships can flourish under this perspective, I encourage you to explore the book. If you have thoughts on human vs. romantic love, please comment below. 

At the end of Elyn Saks' courageous and fascinating memoir about her struggles with schizophrenia, she reflects on what it was that helped support her along the way.  I can hardly think of a better description of how the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client can be so transformational, and I wanted to share her words with you.

"Medication has no doubt played a central role in helping me manage my psychosis, but what has allowed me to see the meaning in my struggles - to make sense of everything that happened before and during the course of my illness, and to mobilize what strengths I may possess into a rich and productive life - is talk therapy.  People like me with a thought disorder are not supposed to benefit much from this kind of treatment, a talk therapy oriented toward insight and based upon a relationship.  But I have.  There may be a substitute for the human connection - for two people sitting together in a room, one of them with the freedom to speak her mind, knowing the other is paying careful and thoughtful attention - but I don't know what that substitute might be.  It is, at the heart of things, a relationship, and for me it has been the key to every other relationship I hold precious."
 
                         ~ Elyn R. Saks, "The Center Cannot Hold"

Here's another link to an article published on the Personal Development Cafe site.  Take a look at #7 to see my contribution: Check in with yourself.  How Not To Lose Yourself in a Relationship.

I've recently been contacted by DecodingHim.com to add my voice on certain subjects regarding relationships.  Feel free to take a look if the following topics interest you!

How To Break Up Gracefully
Hint: Check out #5!

How To Overcome the Fear of Abandonment
Hint: Check out #7!

Have you been wanting to come to couples counseling for months, even years, but haven’t yet made the appointment?  If so, you are not alone.  Many couples try to work out their problems on their own, often resulting in painful arguments and frustrating stalemates.   Other couples take what seems like the path of least resistance: ignoring their problems and living like strangers under the same roof.  This “blinders on” approach may reduce conflict initially, but underneath the surface, tensions are mounting.  So, what is stopping some of these once-happy couples from seeking help with their relationship?  Worrying about being labeled “the bad partner” can be a barrier.

No one wants to feel shamed.  And why should they?  If a member of a couple is afraid of being singled out as solely responsible for the conflict, of course they would be resistant to counseling.  Let’s acknowledge that couples are a system.  Even if the presenting issue is infidelity, for example, it did not occur in a vacuum.  This does not mean that breaking the agreed-to relationship rules is okay, or that the non-adulterous partner is to blame.  What it does mean, however, is that the couples session is a blame-free zone, and a place to focus on how to strengthen the relationship.  Ideally, the therapist creates a safe space for the couple to share their feelings with each other, exploring together what went awry, how and if trust can be re-established, and ways to eventually move forward.  Judgment (on the part of the therapist) has no place in couples counseling.  No sides are taken.  The spotlight shines on how to improve communication and the dynamics of the relationship.

If worry over being labeled “the problem one” in a relationship has been keeping you from seeking help, don’t allow it to be a barrier any longer.  Asking for support in improving your relationship skills takes courage and shows your commitment to making things between the two of you even better.  Call me at 949-648-7991 to schedule an appointment now and get started on getting back that strong connection with your partner.