​Sadness.
Frustration.
Anger.
 
These are just a few of the feelings that I’m noticing show up for me today.  I’d spent some time reading about gender variant kids and then saw coverage of the current president’s tweets about banning transgender people from the military.  While many in our society have embraced greater transgender visibility, these attacks by our country’s leader are unnecessarily cruel and damaging.  What a disconnect.  Two poles so far apart.
 
I take great satisfaction in my work with transgender and gender non-conforming clients of diverse backgrounds, ages, ethnicities and races.  I engage with a strong community of other clinicians, physicians, professionals, educators, spouses, parents of varied gender identifications who are allied in support of transgender and other gender diverse people.  In sitting for several hours a week with those who are navigating gender variance, I have the honor of seeing and hearing the struggles, the doubts, the fears…along with the triumphs and the joys of embracing authenticity.  Let me add to my list of feelings above:
 
Hope and trust in human nature and our capacity for love and empathy.
 
If you’re curious about learning more, and in supporting the transgender community, add your name to the ACLU petition here:  https://www.aclu.org/blog/speak-freely/three-tweets-president-trump-cruelly-threatens-trans-service-members-rank
 
The New Yorker’s David Remnick writes about the tweets here:  http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-cruelty-and-cynicism-of-trumps-transgender-military-ban
 
 
 
 

Last night I watched the latest episode of HBO's Divorce starring Sarah Jessica Parker.  The series follows her character, Frances, as she is navigating separation and likely divorce from her husband, Robert, played by Thomas Haden Church.  The episode, entitled Counseling, follows the unhappy couple into a few sessions with their couples therapist.  Now, of course, TV isn't real life, and I realize that writers are looking to put forth storytelling points, not a word-for-word transcript of an actual therapy session.  My concern, however, is that a couple in need who may not be therapy-savvy may see this portrayal and be discouraged from reaching out for help.  

In the episode, the therapist said very little and did not engage when the couple was clearly struggling to find some path forward.  The therapist appeared cold and withdrawn, almost detached, writing away on her notepad.  I, and many of my colleagues, approach working with couples in a very different way.  We see ourselves as collaborative, looking to enlist all parties' participation in finding solutions, softening defenses, and re-establishing emotional safety and connection.  If you are in a relationship that could benefit from some improved communication (and, honestly, who couldn't?), I invite you to consider therapy as a place of hope and help.  Even if a note or two gets jotted down.

Questions for you:  Have you ever been to couples' therapy?  What worked?  Was your experience like that of the characters in Divorce​, or was it more relational?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

I was recently contacted by the moderator of LoveEvolveandThrive.com to write about how to attract healthy love.  Many therapists, counselors and coaches contributed, and you can find my take on the subject by scrolling down to entry #18.  In it, I write about Challenging Your Fears of Showing Your True Self as a gateway to attracting a healthy relationship. To read the article, click here.   Let me know your thoughts and what has worked for you!

Do you ever find yourself awash on a sea of emotions?  Does it ever seem like your feelings are taking over, and that you are not in control?  Many of us have the experience, from time to time, of being caught up in an uncomfortable mood and not sure what to do about it.  We can find ourselves doing mental gymnastics trying hard to feel better and heaping on self-criticism in an attempt to “just snap out of it.”
 
Earlier this week, I found myself in what I’d call a “blue mood.”  There wasn’t anything tangible that was wrong, per se, but I noticed that I had dipped a bit below my comfortable baseline of contentment.  Once I realized what was going on internally, I was able to step back and take an observer’s view.  In my head, it sounded something like this:  “Ah, it looks like I’m a bit down.  I wonder what that’s about.  I know that I won’t stay in this emotional place forever, but I’m here now, and that’s okay.”  I recognized the feeling, my internal thoughts about the feeling and accepted that it’s where I was at that moment.  I didn’t try to flee from the emotion; it was a tolerable one.  The paradox is, of course, that it soon dissipated once I did the work of acknowledging it.  This may sound counterintuitive.  Just noticing and letting it be, it actually provides a return to equilibrium?   The answer, more often than not, is yes.  What’s been your experience with noticing and acknowledging your moods? 

I just contributed to a column on How to Practice Self Love. Over 50 therapists added their ideas.  Here's my take on it...find the full article at this link:  Observing Your Thoughts without Judgment.

My latest guest contribution to the personaldevelopementcafe.com website offered tips on how to stop worrying about what others think.  Although it may be natural, and even healthy, to consider the impact our actions may have on others, we can limit our own self-expression if we allow ourselves to be paralyzed by worrying about what others think.  Check out entry #8 at the following link to learn more.

How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think About You

What do you do to stop worrying about how others view you?

Our brains are wonderful, powerful tools that help us reason and plan.  But when we're stressed and overcome with worry, we can find ourselves in a vicious cycle of overthinking.  This week, clinicians offered their tips on PersonalDevelopmentCafe.com on how to put an end to overthinking.  Ideas included meditation, mindfulness, and more.  See #6 to read my contribution on stopping the "analysis paralysis" by asking yourself one simple question.  What works for you when you find yourself in a loop of anxious thoughts?

Click here to learn How To Stop Overthinking.

Here are some ideas on how to cultivate flexibility and your ability to bounce back.

8 Tips from the APA on Building Resilience:

1. Make connections
2. Accept change as a part of life
3. Move towards your goals
4. Take decisive action
5. Look for opportunities for self-discovery
6. Nurture a positive view of yourself
7. Keep things in perspective
8. Maintain a hopeful outlook

Do you have any others that you'd add?

I've been really enjoying Sarah Manguso's spare and concise writing lately, and have read three of her non-fiction books.  "Two Kinds of Decay" is a memoir about managing the physical and emotional toll of her chronic illness.  In "The Guardians, an Elegy for a Friend," she writes of a dear friend's death by suicide.  Her latest book is a deconstructed memoir, scattered thoughts and moments taken from her personal diaries.  Here's one passage that was of particular interest to me:

"Marriage isn't a fixed experience. It's a continuous one. It changes form but is still always there, a rivulet under a frozen stream. Now, when I feel a break in the continuity of 'till death do us part,' I think to myself, 'Get back in the river.'"     
       ~ Sarah Manguso in Ongoingness, The End of a Diary

Certainly not the perspective that popular culture, fairy tales, and romance novels present.  Sarah Manguso takes us beyond the one-time vow of "I do" and reminds us that in marriage, the "I do" is a daily mindful decision.  What are your thoughts on marriage and other committed relationships?

You'd think it'd be easy to be your authentic self, wouldn't you?  Just let your true essence shine through, right?  If only it were so simple.  Our fears come into play and stop us in our tracks.  What if I'm rejected?  What if they don't like the real me?  

Click the link below for some tips on how to live more authentically.  My contribution is #2!  

How To Be Your Authentic Self